Thursday, June 17, 2010

no one said that this life was easy

okay the most important thing. last night my friend ken and i watched bram stoker's dracula on our xboxes. i hadn't seen this movie since the 90s, and i remember it being cool, but it is like... factually one of the worst movies i've ever seen in my life? like, winona ryder and keanu reeves are both horrible, bland, wooden actors who kept forgetting that they were supposed to be speaking in a british accent, and like


this is not a rhetorical question, did this EVER look cool? i was only 10 in 1992 and my 1992 was like, wayne's world and weird al, so i don't know what grown ups were into. aside from the super hasty script that tried to shove too much in to too short a time, awkward rushed pacing, the movie was visually confusing. some scenes were so lush and beautiful and perfect, and some look like if me and mouse decided to make a dracula movie in his yard. like, all the outdoor scenes were filmed in front of a pink wall in a studio. i didn't expect them to actually go to transylvania or anything but it looked so bad. and like... dracula's malevolent shadow moving independently of dracula looked like something from looney tunes.


i'm a pretty vocal opponent of sexy draculas (like, draculas with sunglasses and girlfriends and leather jackets and shit) so that was working against the movie from the start, but it was truly a stinker and i can't believe it got such rave reviews and is considered a good movie. there were some good parts, but i wish someone had given this the old college try sometime other than 1992 so we didn't have to put up with winona ryder, keanu reeves, or gary oldman in a four non blondes costume. p.s. the best part is when dracula is in this form:


everyone is advancing on him and trying to kill him, but then he turns into a pile of rats and everyone screams and is like AHHHHH GET THEM AWAY FROM ME.

so i don't have much to talk about besides bram stoker's dracula, i'm not going to lie. i'm wearing a dress today and it's a pain in my ass. i got it with the gift card kati got me for my birthday.


basically all plus size garments are made for women with huge jugs and as someone without huge jugs i have a lot of exposed chest and extra fabric that i'm gamely trying to manage.

okay, i have a meeting in five minutes so i have to go ! sorry this entry was entirely about bram stoker's dracula and jug problems.


  1. you know....there are a couple of things I embarassingly like about that movie. the blasphemous tantrum in the beginning where he's wearing the armor that looks like it's made out of chocolate...the creepy carriage, the merging of the story from the mummy with dracula...and I actually like the shadows as a reference to nosferatu and am incapable of judging whether or not they look stupid on their own. oh also I really like the weird double beehive dracula and the bat monster but obviously don't like victorian rayban dracula. I doooo hate all the actors.

  2. i love double beehive dracula, but you know i love old wizened mansion dracula with a feast of mutton and stuff. i have to admit a lot of the good creepy stuff in the castle was ruined by the fact that keanu reeves was totally not fazed by it at all? like dracula stroking his neck, imprisoning him, yelling shit in romanian, crawling all over the walls, and he isn't even like 'this is weird'.

    i thought the armor at the beginning looked like muscles !

  3. I think it was supposed to be muscles but it looks like it as literally carved from chocolate or thick plastic and not anything that could have been fabricated in vlad tepes' time haha.

    why does anyone cast keanu reeves in movies? he sucks everything out of everything.

    my favorite part of all dracula things (when it's included) is the part where jonathan see's him crawling up the outside of the castle walls.

  4. bram stoker's jugula

    ps i tried watching this when i first got netflix instant viewing based solely on remembering how cool the cover looked to me in Blockbusters when i was young. i don't think i made it more than twenty minutes in though :[

  5. brooke you should definitely watch it with friends because it's a very funny experience !

  6. I like mina's suitor, mina's wedding dress/death outfit and glass coffin. I do like heart shapes beehive Dracula also but the rest of the movie is no better than that Mel brooks Dracula with Lesley nielson.

  7. let's watch it when i come visit :D

  8. "...or gary oldman in a four non blondes costume"

    Best line. I know I've seen this but I don't remember it at all. It sounds like that's for the best.

  9. Oh man! This was on TV back in January and I insisted we watch it. Nick couldn't hack it and went in the other room after about 30 minutes, and I kept howling at how bad it was and he kept shouting, "Why are you still watching that?!"

    I like to say, "Take me away from all this death" like Winona Ryder whenever I finish a meal at a restaurant.

  10. Oh also you should read the IMDB trivia section for this if you haven't already.