heroinnnnnnn, be the death of me !

okay, i'm going to give this a whirl again. i'm NOT going to catch you guys up on the months i haven't been updating, because that would be annoying and i don't want to, but i'll fill you in on SOME stuff.

i was out of work for like one billion weeks recently because i gravely injured my back. i have an old injury, and i mysteriously reinjured it a few weeks ago. it was rough- i couldn't get out of bed, i couldn't stand up, and laying in bed was making it way worse. i ended up getting a prescription for vicodin, which i was reluctant to take, but a regimen of vicodin and aleve (and sleeping on my side on the couch) got me to a point where i can like... mostly walk around. it really hurts if i stand still for a long time, but walking isn't too bad and sitting up isn't too bad and sleeping isn't too bad.



i'm back at work now, but as a result of laying around for like 2 weeks in my livingroom, basically unable to do anything, a few things happened:

1) i finally learned how to use the appletv and started... watching television. i have a tough time paying attention to television or really WATCHING any show because i just tune it out, but there were entire days where i could literally do nothing but lay on my side facing the telvision. i watched all of parks and recreation, which i loved- actual feminist main character who identifies as feminist, and only ONE JOKE in all 3 seasons that has disappointed me ("on a scale of one to chris brown, how mad is he?"). i was cautious watching the first three seasons because i figured it would turn into a moronic rape joke bonanza like 30 rock, but so far it's smart and funny without selling out women. oh and uh, i also watched top chef.



2) there was a wasp or hornet in my livingroom and it made me insane. it was a baby, and it landed on me several times without stinging me, so... i decided it thought i was its mother and that it would never sting me. i spent days feebly trying to prevent my cat from attacking him and i named him rodney, and then i leaned on him by accident and he stung my elbow. after four hours of deliberation, i flushed him down the toilet, and i've never felt so guilty. the sting didn't leave a mark for the first two days, but then became so itchy and inflamed that i thought it was infected. it seems to be clearing up now though. alas poor rodney.



3) i spent a lot of time with biz, my middle school best friend who coincidentally also lives here. she kept me company while i was immobile and dirty and complaining constantly.

toward the end of the week, i was actually able to move a little bit, so i made myself a pair of those stupid twilight mittens :( i'll be done with them tonight, probably. i bought a red/blue/white plaid jacket that only has half sleeves, so i decided to make a pair of red mittens to keep my arms warm.




in berocco vintage in sour cherry

i also made myself another star-crossed slouchy beret (also berocco vintage, in 'tidepool') but i'm never going to wear it because i hate how i look in hats !



hmm. what else? i dropped all of my classes for this semester (i am just too anxious lately and i need some time off to take a breather and reorient) and i really, really need to finish my genocide paper. i just completely choked like i never have in my entire life, ever. i've been doing lots of reading and have my research organized, but the longer i put this paper off, the less i want to do it. i recently got to hang out with my friend natalie (another friend from middle school, who is also great) and she very very sternly chided me about how i need to get this done and not let it hang over my head for the rest of my life (or at least the rest of my school career), and she's totally right. so, maybe soon i'll take a weekend to work on the paper.

not this weekend, though- this weekend, i'm going to brooklyn to adopt a beautiful white fluffy dreamboat cat. i'm sufficiently healed, i think, after weirdo's death from kidney failure, and i'm ready for the cat of my dreams. there's a few things i have to do this week which may be difficult (lots of cleaning and rearranging, which is going to hurt my back) to get ready for the cat, but i think it's worth it.



his current name is mr. puffins buttttt i'm going to change it. he's 10 years old and only has one tooth and is a big fluffy dreamboat and he's beautiful and i already love him. he's basically my dream cat- his m.o. is to curl up next to you and sleep and is into a LITTLE petting but isn't a petting maniac like my current cat. i'm excited and can't wait to get him and can't wait for him to be best buds with pizza and to put on a fancy dress and pet him all the time and eat out of a goblet with him.

this is a little harried because i have to get back to work, but i swear i'll write much more thorough and better entries in the future. if i keep this up, which i may not.

where have i been?

i've lost some of my ZEST for blogging, but i'm going on vacation this week, and my resolution when i return is to do more blogging. this means that i'll be posting updates both on this blog and on cool thoughts.

some highlights you've missed since thanksgiving
- i started using coconut oil as moisturizer and it has cured me of ingrown hairs
- i got some swamp things to supplement all my genocide/world war II reading
- i did not finish my genocide paper and have an incomplete in the class until i do. i really, really need to do that.
- i am taking one class this semester- creative non-fiction: perspectives on race, class, and gender. i was taking elementary german II, but i dropped it, because it was wayyyy too advanced for me. i think i'm going to take it over the summer.
- i laid in bed a lot and watched simpsons dvds.
- i have been watching every season of the x-files in order. in around 2 weeks, i got to season 5. i'm a little burnt out now, and since i know the story arc, i'm greatly enjoying the monster of the week episodes.
- i've been a hermit this winter
- i've been looking at fluffy white dreamboat cats on petfinder
- i'm in love with my life and my friends and i need to start acting like it. actually this is probably how i'd act if i was in love (moody and jerky and weird), but you know what i mean.

sit tight, dogs. i will try to be back next week. get off my sack a little.

we can finally start a family

i'm uncharacteristically updating my blog on a friday night ! i want to make sure that i cover all the great stuff that happened last week, despite the one major, major, major, major bummer.

last wednesday, nick and sandi came down from nyc and we had the besttttt timmmmmeeeee. we went to south philly tap room, where i got the most delicious eggplant parm i've ever had (and everyone else had the best brussels sprouts they've ever had- but they had bacon) and a really delicious apple and watercress salad, as well as a couple of delicious san diego beers (recommended by gavin, the biggest proponent of san diego ever). nick and sandi were like... fucking adorable and delightful and hilarious as always. nick has a new haircut where he looks like half of a depeche mode video and sandi said a thousand hilarious things. we came home after dinner and (wahhhhh) played with weirdo and had the best family night.



on thursday, i cooked all day and like... every single thing i made came out weird. it ended up not mattering, though, because jeanne's new roommate alexis made a shitload of super delicious food. jeanne, mike, alexis, ned, and i had a good thanksgiving and watched the kids in the hall.



the menu was:
- seitan turkey
- vegetarian ham
- stuffing
- cornbread stuffing
- mashed potatoes
- shepherds pie
- cranberry sauce
- orange honey cranberry sauce
- delicious gravy
- roasted vegetables (potatoes, sweet potatoes, brussels sprouts, parsnips, carrots)

there was a surprising lack of dessert (the dessert i made was overcooked and i burnt my ganache !) but i'd rather have food than dessert anyway. i had the best time, though ! ned had a good story about his customers that i am still laughing about, alexis is super cute and nice and has a really cool mean cat, mike is my favorite, and jeanne is ESPECIALLY my favorite. vinegar and fig too !

on friday, i worked on school work a little, and then christina and i braved local 44 again. i don't know if i've talked about it here, but i had the worst meal of my life at local 44 when i went with bill and christina- it was like... "mushroom stew" that was just unseasoned boiled mushrooms, pearl onions, carrots, and potatoes, and it tasted like they were boiled, rinsed, and boiled in new water. i seriously like recoil in horror every time i walk by because it was so gross ! anyway, we braved it because we were cold, and the food was awesome. i got a vegan reuben, and we split disco fries (fries with onion gravy and cheese) and it was... very heavy, but delicious.



i also tried some new scotches- i tried laphroaig and dewars, and of course they were both gross. guys, what's with scotch? why do i keep drinking it? one of these days, though, i'm going to love it. i know it. on saturdayyyyyyyy, mouse came over and we watched a few episodes of it's always sunny in philadelphia and ate delicious food and played with weirdo (wahhhhhh).

on sunday, i met up with mouse and kati to go to berlin mart in new jersey ! we met up with meesh and greg there, and we saw a lot of funny things and mouse made me laugh so hard that all of the people at the flea market thought i was behaving inappropriately for a flea market. it was a great fucking day ! i got:

- a greedo
- a yoda
- two jawas
- a grizzlor (a he-man guy- i got him for jeanne cause someone made him into a magnet)
- some work gloves (even though i don't do work)
- the best possible hairclip



after that, we went to blackbird pizza, where i was psyched to try a seitan cheesesteak, but they were out of seitan. they had some pizza and stuff butttttttttt i'm not vegan and i can eat real pizza so spending $3 on slices of vegan pizza didn't seem appetizing, so i just had some water and a good, awkward sulk. annnnnnd then we came home and weirdo died.

this past week has just been... stress and studying. next week is my last week of classes, and i have four papers to finish- 1 two page but with heavy research, 2 one page with heavy research, and one 10 page with heavy research. my genocide final paper is stressing me out a lot- i wrote a proposal that was mostly based on like... my strong emotional reaction and not a lot of research that i did, and my professor wrote this back (she actually wrote one email with this praise and then wrote a second cause she forgot she sent the first, with MORE INTENSE PRAISE):

"This is going to be a great paper. In fact, you could probably publish it--if you feel like putting the extra work into it (which need not be done for the version you hand in as a final paper in this class). I would be happy to help you polish it and send it out. The idea you will be pursuing is very innovative and also very important. It could put women on the genocide map, so to speak. And it would bring necessary attention to their suffering--their suffering as survivors not just of a genocidal process, but also of genocide written on their bodies and lives"

i know that someone suggesting that an undergraduate freshman publish something is a big insane compliment, but it put this insane amount of pressure on me- i feel super unsophisticated and emotional and like i barely even know what i'm talking about? like i'm just kind of chauncey gardenering my way through this.



so, this week? studying reading freaking the fuck out and not being able to do a bunch of shit and alksdlksajdlkjalskjdklsajs alas poor roxy. anyway, i just wanted to get that out.

i will follow you into the dark

mannnn. not sure how to start this entry, because i really don't want to write it, but weirdo's kidney's failed suddenly on sunday and she had to be put to sleep. she was fine on saturday- playful and energetic and annoying and cute, but she didn't finish her dinner. on sunday morning when i left, she was playful but sleepy (kitten attacked my hand when i petted her goodbye), and on sunday evening when i came home, she was completely lethargic and her gums were white. i didn't notice anything strange at first because she was kind of a little floppy noodle cat when she was tired anyway, but after about a half hour of that, we started to get worried.

mouse dropped me off at the emergency vet, and they took her right back. the first time the vet talked to me, we talked about what i should feed her when i got home (i transitioned her to regular cat food, but they suggested i keep her on kitten food for awhile), and then she went to check her bloodwork results. when she came back, she was carrying a box of tissues.


the last picture i took of her

the vet said that it looked like she had congenital kidney problems and at that point, she was so sick that there was nothing she could do. christina came and met me there, and we got to say goodbye to her (and sob and use the entire fucking box of tissues) and hold her and pet her and tell her how much everyone loved her. i had to hold her while she was put to sleep, and she went in about ten seconds.

this... fucking sucks? i don't really know how else to talk about it. i really, really, really miss her and i hate that this happened. like, on saturday specifically i was thinking about what she'd be like when she grew up- any time i picked her up and rested her head on my chest she'd fall asleep, and i was wondering if she'd still do that when she was big.

bleh. what a great little friend.

p.s. christina has been really amazing throughout all of this- i know she loved weirdo just as much as me, but she's been super supportive and great and funny and caring. she also made a donation to citykitties in weirdo's name.
p.p.s. i had a great thanksgiving weekend filled with terrific people who love me and weird stuff and maybe i'll write about that later this week. right now i'm pretty bummed.

cool thoughts on the present situation

first ! christine, brooke, and i started our history blog, cool thoughts. the name is based on a document brooke and i saw at the benjamin franklin underground museum called cool thoughts on the present situation of our public affairs (authored by one benjamin franklin, alias mrs. silence dogood), and the blog is woefully located on tumblr because the name "cool thoughts" is literally taken everywhere else, and is mostly parked domains or blogs of like, "confucious say..." shit and doors quotes. alas ! anyway, the purpose of the blog is for us to post anything we are reading about or interested in throughout history, in any format, whenever we want. if you'd like to contribute something (anything !), please send it to coolthoughts@nervous.org.



one of my main goals here is to get comfortable talking about things i know about< without the crippling fear of being wrong or considered "not smart enough"- this is a problem many people have, i'm sure, but women specifically are made to feel intellectually inferior or like they have to apologize for or soften their opinions. it may not seem like i have a big problem with this if you know me, but it's something i struggle with every day- especially in regard to my lack of formal education.

what else ! i've been taking an ill-advised break from reading for the past few days because my brain needed a break, which means i'm going to have to really and sincerely bust ass all weekend to get everything done. i have a research proposal, a few essays, and a rough draft for my genocide paper due. i'm actually waiting for my professor's feedback for the rough draft- she's really awesome but can be a little slow with stuff over e-mail, and our class meeting is canceled this week. anyway, i've been mostly farting around watching simpsons dvds, and it's been... heavenly.


i only have seasons 5-9

i also ended up breaking down and buying cataclysm, the next world of warcraft expansion. i am waffling about whether or not i want to play- like, i just don't have time for wow anymore with school, and i have mixed feelings about the new 10 man raiding structure. like, i love the dudes (and two women) i play with, but i often found myself being the 11th man when 10 mans were forming up previously. i'm not the most amazing player, but i was better than some other people who were chosen, and that was because i had a lot of personality conflicts with some shitty random norms in the guild (like a handful of idiot privilege denyin' dudes who wanted to be able to call women bitches and stuff). luckily those dudes were sort of phased out or alienated (by me !) so there's a small chance things will be different now, but who knows? yesterday was a patch day, and the world was ripped apart and orgrimmar was redesigned, and everything honestly looks pretty cool. i also saved the name astralweeks for a goblin shaman. sigh. i really like this fucking game, who am i kidding.



what else ! oh ! nick and sandi are coming today ! sandi told me not to eat anything in anticipation of a family dinner? which is exciting and also easy to do because i'm only at work for 3 hours today and i forgot to bring lunch and also i have zero groceries that aren't thanksgiving ingredients (actually i have some trader joe's burritos i guess). i'm excited to see them because it's been figuratively forever. also i get to bro down with christina, who just got back from san francisco.

my plans for the break? cooking, hanging out, thanksgiving with jeanne and mike, reading, writing, agonizing, procrastinating, simpsons, history, internet. i gotta get some work done in my last 30 minutes at work, though, so.. ttyl. happy thanksgiving !

he knows where she is

hollllllllyyyyy shit ! everyone is so fucking annoying this morning ! my coworkers will not stop fucking talking to each other ! guys, shut up ! it's fucking monday ! shut up ! stop talking ! that said, we had a staff breakfast this morning and they got vegetarian sausage just for me, but i'm not sure it was worth it i'm currently on hour two of breakfast being THE MOST INTERESTING FUCKING THING TO EVER HAPPEN that everyone can't stop fucking talking about !



i'm so reluctant to do anything today that i've been read the wikipedia entry for vladimir putin's dog for like 15 minutes.

so ! the weekend ! on friday, i came home and farted around and went to bed super early (midnight, which is early for me), because i had a day of exciting errands planned ! but i was incredibly exhausted all day and ended up... sleeping until 2pm. i didn't even take a shower or get dressed until like... 7? i had a runny nose and headache and was sure i was getting sick, but i think i just needed water and caffeine. i met up with mouse, benji, nate, and anna for all-you-can-eat ethiopian at ethio cafe, a new ethiopian restaurant directly next door to the one i usually go to.



the staff was super nice, and they specifically referred to everything as "vegan," and the food was good, but i can't eat all that much ethiopian food. a regular entree at abyssinia (the place next door) is the same price, and i probably eat the same amount both ways. i may continue to just go to abyssinia, though i feel guilty cause the women running this place were so attentive and sweet, and the quality of food was not appreciably different.

after dinner, mouse came over and let me windbag him with my incomplete knowledge of genocide- it was a very interesting role reversal, because usually HE is the windbag. it felt like how it probably feels when those high powered businessmen on craigslist have to dress like a baby and get spanked to have an orgasm ! i didn't have an orgasm though, i guess. maybe mouse did, i forgot to ask.



on sunday morning, i woke up and met mouse and kev for breakfast at green line, where we had bagels and coffee. i love when jesse (and patchie) are working because they make the best lattes. i love when eric is working too because he's funny and has a great beard, but he makes coffee drinks that actually taste like coffee which isn't really my m.o. it was nice to see kev and catch up, because i haven't seen him in a million years ! after breakfast, i got a car and went to whole foods and got cat food. i'm preparing my menu for our delicious friendsgiving at jeanne's house- she and mike are getting back from romania right before, so we are going to have thanksgiving at their house (plus her friend alexis who i am super super excited to meet will be there and cooking !). here's what i'm making (vegetarian versions of all):



vegetarian ham ! i'm going to make an apple cider/brown sugar/mustard glaze, which i don't usually use a recipe for and just WING.



caramlized onion and cornbread stuffing



roasted potatoes, carrots, parsnips, and brussels sprouts



orange honey cranberry sauce



mini orange chocolate chunk cakes (jeanne's will be an orange pecan cake since she doesn't like chocolate !)

anyway, after shopping i came home and relaxed and didn't do any school work and felt okay about that. i got through a whole lot of simpsons episodes this weekend- first i flagellated myself with DVR'd recent episodes and then i rewarded myself by watching season 6.


no, you owe ME $900 !

my goals right now are to get through this week at work (2.5 days !), get through class tonight, finish my essays for writing class, and write my paper for genocide class. my BIG paper. it's going to be a super fucking busy holiday ! also, brooke, christine, and i are starting a history blog together and i need to work on that !

p.s. christina gets back from SF tonight and i can't wait to hugggggg her

i'll never tell

dudes. i'm so far ahead on my reading for genocide class ! and by "ahead" i mean i am exactly where i should be. i've gotten into the habit of procrastinating all week and then panicking and trying to read everything/write everything wednesday night or thursday at lunch, and right now i read a whole book and one chapter and just need to read an article and another chapter. i'm psyched to read the article because my professor wrote it and i think she's a genius.

i went on a really exciting shopping spree yesterday, in which i purchased mostly books for $0.01 on amazon and a pair of sensible shoes. books first !


mass rape, ed. andrea stiglmayer


rape warfare by beverly allen


gender & catastrophe, ed. rohit lentin


a problem from hell: america in the age of genocide by samantha power


eichmann in jerusalem: a report on the banality of evil by hannah arendt


regarding the pain of others by susan sontag

remember how like five months ago i read nothing but young adult novels? most of these are either for the paper i'm writing or have been recommended to me or cited in several other things i've read. this should be a super fun thanksgiving !

i also uh, got a pair of saddle shoes. my friend sarah got a pair of bass enfields in brown and i decided to give up and be a total herb. i hope they're comfortable and don't look weird on my big, impressive feet (i had to put "impressive" in there so it didn't sound like i was disparaging my feet- they're useful and i'm glad they're big, for balance !)



what else? yesterday i went to penn's library for the first REAL time- i've had to look at periodicals there before, and use computer stuff, but i've never really gone um, into the stacks. i actually started panicking a little bit because the library is so fucking big. the library is like.. a block long, and there's just shelf after shelf after shelf of books ! that seems like it would be a total paradise for a terminal bookworm but it was so empty and so big and i felt like a monster was going to start chasing me or a creepy person would appear and say "may i help you" and startle me (both equally scary to me).



that's just in one direction and it's just as long in the other direction and there's like 6 floors of that !!!!! scariest. also it was full of young rich teenagers which is scary for other reasons.

when i got home, we attempted to do ICC, but it didn't work out- some people were having problems zoning in (oh i just started talking about warcraft like it's a real thing and you guys care about it) and some people were grumpy, so we postponed it until thursday. i did some pvp with gavin, josh, and rachel, but i really suck at pvp and mostly just wanted to talk to them cause i like them. and get some poison on some jerks.


harridan

so today- work, writing essays, class. reading. i'm meeting a classmate about... something? at 2pm today. she said we should "get together" and she said it with such authority that i was like, "oh, okay" except i don't know why we would get together. we're both pretty far behind in our writing class, so i think we may have to team up to peer review each others' late work. i was just about to write out a rant about this class but i realized that i already posted that rant on monday. in the beginning of the semester, i couldn't understand my classmates' ire and lack of cooperativeness and now i'm just like, "GOD FUCK THIS CLASS I FUCKING HATE IT, GODDDD FUCK IT I HATE IT."

p.s. i hate it for real.
p.p.s. i HEARD TELL that we may only have to take one critical writing seminar now instead of 2 to graduate? the women in my class were talking about it but i was half-listening, because the class is sucking the life out of me and i can't even make myself listen to gossip.