i know the nervous walkin'

dudes ! last night i got two hours of sleep and i feel suspiciously okay? this morning was a little rough, especially because it's too cold for bare legs and having a kitten try to climb your stockings is really fucking annoying ! but also cool. ideally i would be watching her climb someone ELSE's stockings, but this is ultimately okay.

so ! this weekend ! on friday i went to the green line after work, where i am permanently installed until this semester is over, and drank like, one metric cornholio of soy lattes. i barely got any reading done (of course), but my friend gavin (who is cool and GENERALLY has good taste in everything) recommended that i listen to the pj harvey album that came out in 2000. i've sort of pretended that nothing came out after to bring you my love, but i figured i'd give it a shot.



welllllllllllll i fucking love it. it has some low points, and lacks uh, some of her balls? how do i express this without using male genitalia as a sign of courage? and the whole thing is new york city themed which i don't care about, but it's is a great album. the first time i heard pj harvey i could tell that everything she was talking about was feelings i didn't understand yet and like, i guess she's still doing that. i figured i would've acquired some emotional depth by now, but here we are. fart !

after that, i decided to go be the person i pretend i am and went to fiume (the bar above abyssinia) BY MYSELF and sipped scotch while reading:



the bartender was very helpful in windbagging me about scotch, and i ended up trying something that was the best of all the scotches i've had. i don't remember the name though and every name i make up is actually something from LOTR? wait, christina took a picture of it and sexted it to me so i'd remember !



i'll be honest, it still tastes like shit, but it's the best i've tried so far ! for some reason, people keep telling me that different scotches taste like honey or caramel and like... they all taste like poison? it's like no one wants to be the first to admit that scotch is gross. i'm brave though- emperor, u naked. i'm still going to drink it though ! oh, but, yeah, after the first couple of scotches i was totally trashed and called christina to come keep me company and she came down and we talked about farts and got pizza fries and went to cvs and bought a bunch of candy and i woke up to see i'd sent my friend a 2000 word IM to the aforementioned friend gavin about what makes the average hulk TRULY incredible and how one pj harvey song reminds me strongly of blood-queen lana'thel ("and i draw a line / to your heart today / to your heart from mine"). so much for adult roxy.



on saturday, i did a minimal amount of reading again ! i got a car to run errands and was going to go get a bouquet of fake lilies so i could be a WIDOW, but i got stuck in traffic for 45 minutes and just came home. and then jeanne came to west philly and christina put makeup on me ! i don't wear makeup, and she really put a minimal amount on, but i felt like i was painted like a clown. the overall effect was pretty fucking cool though:



it's weird, though- i got an overwhelmingly positive reaction to me wearing makeup and a thousand different people told me that i looked pretty, and it was a total mindfuck ! i was like MAYBE I SHOULD WEAR MAKEUP ALL THE TIME !!!!! and even looked at makeup at cvs (and was like, 'what is all this shit?' and realized that i have tried very hard in life to NOT know that) and then remembered that i think makeup sucks. i understand a lot of women choose to wear makeup and what could be more feminist than a woman making a choice !!!!, butttttt i am too creeped out by the beauty industry and uncomfortable with the idea of giving my money and time to an industry whose function is to undermine womens' self-worth and manipulate them into thinking they 1) need to be "beautiful" and 2) need to buy all this shit to be "beautiful". i don't know ! it's fun for a costume but like, a colossal bummer for me for every day life. like, the sheer power that people calling me pretty had on me even at this age with this level of self-awareness was INSANE.

anyway, we went to the west philly coverband show and met up with mouse, but we missed the pj harvey band (boooooooooooooooooooooooooo) and dk band, saw the wipers, and then went upstairs and sulked on a couch and then left early ! there was a neutral milk hotel cover band and we got caught in like, an aching pit of sincerity where people were earnestly singing along, and like... that + bell peppers is the portrait of hell for jeanne and i. we stopped on the way home to get cookies, and then came to my house to pet the kitten and eat cookies. i made a grave mistake and got oatmeal dark chocolate cherry almond cookies which sound delicious but they were all cinnamon-y :(



on sunnnnnnday i mostly slept and went to green line again to try to finish reading. i read like... 25% of the stalin book. basically it's a long essay arguing that stalin's mass killings are genocide- in general, they are widely believed to NOT be genocide, largely because of soviet pressure during the genocide convention to exclude political and social groups from the definition of genocide. i'm excited for this week in class, though i have a lot of work to do- i talked to my professor after class last week (because i realized that, despite hearing about the holocaust my whole life, i never ever once heard anything about sexual violence during the holocaust, and it's such a huge factor in almost every other genocide) and she told me my papers were some of the best in class and we had a great conversation- she really is like, one of the fucking coolest people i've ever met? i'm so psyched to be in this class, even if the work is killing me a little.


why are the hot ones always jerks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay ! two last things ! that grand army messenger was a good buy- it fits all my school books and my laptop, the strap is really comfortable, and it looks cool.



also, last night while i was trying not to study or sleep, i dug out a mixtape that my friend shannon made me like ten years ago:



this is the most romantic thing i've ever gotten from a dude who wasn't in love with me. the front of it has a termite squished to it, under packing tape, with the caption, "termites. devour my heart."

side A:

swans, "live through me"
the black heart procession, "on waterfront"
electric wizard, "funeralopolis"
eyehategod, "thirty dollar bag"
supermachiner, "flight of vultures"
supermachiner, "i am legend"
neurosis, "belief"
the black heart procession, "til we have to say goodbye"
harvey milk, "brown water"
swans, "secret friends"

side B:

harvey milk, "one of us cannot be wrong"
converge, "disintegration"
today is the day, "ripped off"
eyehategod, "methamphetamine"
boards of canada, "the color of the fire"
mogwai, "stanley kubrick"
the black heart procession, "a light so dim"
swans, "the sound"
slowdive, "here she comes"

this is one of the only things i brought with me from florida and i've unpacked it at every single house i've lived in. of course it is dorky as shit, but it was significant for me because shannon is my first friend who i ever realized was cooler than me. of course, lots of my friends were cooler than me (erica was a feminist in like, ninth grade ! natalie introduced me to pj harvey in middle school !), but he was the first time i REALIZED it. he is the most incredible gifted maniac weirdo and ever since i met him i have been committed to only being friends with people who are cooler than i am (or at least equally as cool) and this has enriched my life beyond belief.

okay ! this is a windbaggy entry and i forgot a lot of stuff ! but i have to do some work now ! bleh !

gucci mane

what's up ! hey ! on friday mouse and i went to mike bukowski's art show at benna's !!! it was all monsters inspired by d&d manuals and everything looked amazing. i was basically having an anxiety attack about getting there first to get the owlbear and i'm glad i didn't sleep on it because everyone kept admiring it and a few people were coveting it. i also bought the giant troll. i wish i had some pictures of it but i was too excited ! here are a few that appeared in the interview he just did for denis' bloggggg.


"an Achaierai, a Grell and a Necrophidius"

jeanne also made a really cool vegan axe cake, which mouse cut with a plastic axe. it was pretty awesome because the handle basically looked like real wood and the blade looked like an iced fart. no offense jeanne !!!



after the show, we went to the pope and i had the best vegan meatloaf i've ever had in my life, with mushroom gravy, broccoli, and mashed yams. holy shit. i wish i was eating it right now, and also forever. i also decided to try scotch on the rocks for the first time, to debut my signature drink, and it did not go well. i got a johnny walker black first and it was pretty repugnant- it was also a gigantic glass of scotch (i figured a... whatever, on the rocks would just be a shot on ice? but it was like a full glass of scotch).



mike and jeanne's friend justin g. (maybe my friend too? i'm gonna add him and his gf on facebook RIGHT NOW) suggested that i try glenfiddich 12, which he said tasted like honey, so i got a shot of that with ice. i discovered that... it tasted like scotch, but at that point i was like, 'hayyyy' from drinking a bunch of scotch so i didn't feel betrayed or anything.



after that, the waitress (who was extremely nice) suggested that i try irish whiskey if i wasn't into scotch, so she brought me a tullamore dew, which at that point did not taste perceptibly different to me because the scotch had burned off all of my tastebuds. at that point, she suggested i try tequila instead- not that night, but if i was ever at cantina. she was referring to a local establishment called cantina los caballitos, buttttttttt i thought she was talking about this cantina:



and was like, "why would i ever be there? that isn't even like.. here and now." and felt pretty dumb. i had a great time though, and mike, jeanne, and ryann invited me to come to new hampshire with them this weekend to see a bunch of cool pumpkins and junk !

on saturday, i intended to read and study all day, but early in the day i stood up and something horrible happened to my back. i got a really really horrible not right pain and barely made it back to my bed (i was in the living room). i basically spent 8 hours saturday laying face down on my bed, holding in my pee, totally unable to move. it was really fucking scary- a bunch of people offered to help me, and i really wanted to go to the hospital, but... i couldn't get up to let anyone in.



it was really weird and shitty ! if you aren't a fat person, you may not know that doctors are really shitty to fat people. despite many thin people i know having back problems and having similar stuff happen to them, i know what would happen if i went to the doctor- i have gained weight lately and i'm sure it's related, but what's probably more related is that i have done very little physical activity since starting school- i feel like i have very little time anymore to do anything, and since this side was injured a few years ago, i think i have to be more consistent with doing yoga/walking/riding my bike to keep it from getting reinjured. anyway, i knowwwww i should talk to a doctor (a friend with similar problems suggested sports medicine) buttttttt i don't want to have to deal with it.

anyway, around 9 or so i was able to get out of bed and walk around and take a shower and pet my poor stupid kitten and felt more human almost immediately. by the time i went to bed, my back actually felt pretty good. today it feels even better, though i keep getting an on and off nerve-y pain in my thigh, but my back itself feels better than it has in weeks. i think this is like... when a coconut falls on someone's head and they turn into a sexy version of themselves? and then all that has to happen to fix them is another head injury?


for instance, something that probably happened to all of these women

on sunday, i did some studying (finally), and went to mouse and kati's birthday party at ed's. alan, nate, and anna came and we had the best time. i got a greek salad and it was totally the worst, but all of my friends are so cool and funny i can't stand it? mouse looked particularly sharp in his button suspenders. the only real disappointment was that benji wasn't able to make it, because mouse realllllly wanted to wrestle someone for his birthday. pooooooor mouse. we got gelato after dinner (at my nudging) and i picked up some new cat litter for the kitten (she is not psyched about feline pine, because the granules are bigger than her feet), and came home to do some reading and pet her a little bit. here are some pictures:


weirdo is as bored by this asinine book as i am !





right now i'm reading critical essays about huckleberry finn (i don't careeeeeeeeeeee), that gerald graff book (ughhhhhhhhh), and we wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families by philip gourevitch (hooray). i actually wish i'd opted for a writing seminar with less reading because these books are such a waste of time, and my genocide class requires SO much reading.

so, that's about it. my back feels okay, this is going to be a busy week at work, i have a lot of reading to do so i'm going to try not to do anything fun this week, and and and.. i don't know. i have to go because the receptionist is being fucking annoying because she doesn't understand what the job of a receptionist is.

east timor

i gotta make it quick cause i have a meeting soon ! hey !

yesterday i mostly slept. i meant to do reading for school but i didn't really get much done because i felt so crummy. i guess that's like... barely even interesting for me to write about, huh? anyway, later that night jeanne and i got dinner ! i didn't eat all day because i didn't feel well, but i got super super starving right before i had to go and i couldn't take it anymore, so i... ate like 10 pickled baby beets on an empty stomach !


please enjoy this genius covered in beet juice

so by the time i got to the restaurant, i had a pretty gross stomach ache ! which was a shame because i ate a big cream-based dinner (pappardelle in a cream sauce with sun-dried tomatoes, onions, shitake mushrooms, marsala wine, pecorino cheese). also, i decided recently that my new signature drink is scotch on the rocks, and i e-mailed my mom and consulted with my friend justin about how to order it in a bar, and was totally ready, but i got a shirley temple instead because my stomach was so upset. maybe next time.



after dinner, we got frozen yogurt at scoop de ville, and then i had to take a cab home because i had to use the bathroom and we were in a weird bathroom desert (i usually know where every public bathroom is and the closest one, barnes and noble, was closed). i got home and hung out with the kitten and edited my essay and got to catch up with christina a little- i've barely seen her since she got back from new hampshire !

sooooo, the kitten. she does not understand the importance of the litterbox. like, she goes in the litter half the time, but the other half she either goes 1) NEAR the litter or 2) where ever. i'm going to have to figure out what to do to give her the encouragement she needs. i'm not home during the day, but when i am home i grab her and put her in the litterbox if i see her squatting to go to the bathroom. other than that, she's super weird and cute. i can entertain her for an hour by putting my hair in a ponytail and setting her on the back of the couch.



i wish that accurately conveyed her smallness. that's christina's flip flop, and christina has little tiny feet (little tiny adult sized feet !). her flip flops are like, a 5.5-6 in womens' sizes. so the kitten is REALLY SMALL.

i have to go because my coworker needs help with something that she made much more convoluted than it needed to be, and i also have a staff meeting. bleh.

oh by the way ! i meant to post this picture of mouse and his nephew because it's the greatest thing ever, so i'm posting it in honor of mouse's birthday. he's not excited about his birthday but i am because he is cool and my favorite.



lots of reading to do today. lots of work at work.